Mirrors of the soul

I have always been fascinated with eyes – its mysterious, deep and mesmerizing. I agree that you can get lost in someone’s eyes. It can tell a lot of things about a person.

There is something about our eyes that I find mysterious. Have you look into someone’s eyes and try to figure out what they’re thinking? You’d think that yeah, maybe you do know what they’re thinking but at the same time you don’t. The way those eyes stare at you makes everything mysterious. On the other hand, the eyes can tell what the person is feeling or sometimes, hiding. Its hard to look someone in the eye when you’re lying unless you’re a compulsive liar then maybe its a piece of cake. However, you’ll know the sincerity of the person when they talk to you eye-to-eye. When you confess your feelings to someone, you’re locked in to that person. You don’t see or notice anything but that person.

We rely heavily on our sense of vision. Without it, its hard to appreciate everything around you. I can’t imagine myself not knowing what colors are, not appreciating the beauty of the city or of nature and most especially, not seeing the face of the one you love – may it be family, friends or significant other. Human connection is not just made through the sense of touch but through the sense of sight as well. Its a tandem, an unbreakable combination. One of the things I find beautiful in relationships.

Looks can be deceiving. What we see isn’t exactly what we get. The eyes can show so many secrets, can tell various stories and can express different emotions.   Sometimes, its hard to tell what the person is thinking about or what that person is going through just by looking at them but look into their eyes and it will show. She may say and act that she’s okay but her eyes say otherwise. Look into his eyes and you know what he says is true – he does love you. Notice how the eyes sparkle showing genuine happiness and notice how our eyes have a hard time keeping the tears from falling.

Look at a portrait or a photograph and just stare at the subject’s eyes, doesn’t it make you wonder what the person is/was like? It can get creepy because at one point, you will think that that photograph or painting is real as if creating a real connection with you.

There are also instances when we communicate with our eyes. Like our eyes is our medium for reading minds. A certain kind of stare can mean differently to a lot of people – good or bad. It can make or break a relationship, start or end a career.

The eyes are our mirrors of the soul. It can show who we really are – our real selves.

Chin up, Zoe!

Recently, my mom told me that one of my cousins is going through her biggest challenge yet.

Zoe is 15 years old. I met her and her family when we visited them in San Francisco around 4 years ago. One day, she complained about a pain in her pelvic area. Since she is an athlete, they thought it had something to do with that aspect however, it was something they didn’t expect. She has Erwing’s Sarcoma, a type of cancer affecting her pelvis. She just finished her second round of chemotherapy.

Her parents made a blog with updates of her current condition in Carepages. Every time, I read an update I get mixed emotions. One is that I’m amazed at how strong, courageous and brave she is in facing this challenge set for her and second, I can’t help but feel sad because she is facing this challenge.

Honestly, I am at loss for words. I somehow cannot verbalize what I want to say, what I want to share but please do visit her page here. I am actually overwhelmed because I cannot imagine myself to be in such good disposition and to have a positive mindset as Zoe if I am in her position. I am proud of her.

Chin up, Zoe!

Third World Pains

I recently accomplished the pre-employment requirements needed for my job. It was one for the books. In 5 days, I observed, experienced and realized a couple of things.

Living in a developing country where in 80% of its population is part of the low socio-economic classes can be, let’s just say, frustrating. In those 5 days, I don’t think I waited in line for so long in my life, spent so much for pieces of paper that I can just create myself and got frustrated with the system.

On a daily basis, hundreds of people go to government agencies such as city halls and National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) satellite offices and the first thing you notice is a long line that can reach the streets. I lined up for hours just to secure permits or identifications from those agencies and I can’t help but notice how inefficient these agencies are specifically acquiring my NBI clearance.

About a year ago, I got my NBI clearance for the first time and it took me 30 minutes. Second time around, it took me 2 hours. Last Thursday, it took roughly 9 hours and I didn’t even get my clearance on the same day. Around 1000 people go to the NBI satellite office in Quezon City Hall to get their clearance and for you to be able to get it on the same day without a “hit,” you have to line up at 3 in the morning and wait for the offices to open at 8:00 am. Really? Here’s the fun part, when you know someone in the agency or if you paid a fixer to do it for you, you can get your clearance in less than 30 minutes. Enough said.

One more.

I also needed to apply for a PhilHealth ID. PhilHealth is the agency that manages medical and dental benefits of the employees. I lined up for two hours to have it validated, lined up for another two hours for payment and paid 300 pesos for a piece of perforated colored paper card.

A different experience happened when I got my community tax certificate or cedula at Quezon City Hall. Just as I was about to pay, an officer in charge asked for my name and since it as written on the receipt, he saw it. When I was about to leave, that same officer asked for my mobile number. Great public service, eh?

Acquiring all the requirements needed from different agencies, I spent around 1,500 pesos or roughly $34 and 5 days. I am fortunate that I have the money to pay for all of those fees but just imagine for other people who haven’t started earning or earning barely minimum wage everyday how they can afford those fees. They just don’t worry about paying the fees but they also worry about the commute to and from those agencies especially if they need to go back and most of them live at the outskirts of the metro area or even from provinces since some of the agencies do not have satellite offices.

I wrote about my experience to illustrate how inefficient our local government is. I am not saying that companies should stop requiring these permits, clearances or whatnot but because something should be done to fix this issue. Thousands of people go through the process and they just endure it just so they can start working as soon as possible. It is already a challenge to look for a job and get it.

Hindi ka pa nga nagsisimulang magtrabaho, ubos na pera mo, pagod ka pa.

Oh, to be greeted by snobby and sometimes rude and unaccommodating government employees is something I do not want to start my mornings or end my afternoons with. It doesn’t hurt to smile.

Going through all of these made me realize how it is to be a legit employee, how messed up the system is and most importantly, how to be patient.

9 hours, seriously?

Thought to Dream

If you were to be stuck on an island and you can only have one song to be played repeatedly, what would it be and why?

A Weekend Escape to Baler

I have been meaning to write an entry for weeks now but being a bum, I haven’t gotten around to it until now. Well, I really can’t sleep and I just have to get these thoughts out of my head.

Its 1:41 AM, thursday and so far, this week was, let’s say, a whirlwind of emotions. So many questions asked and as per usual, none was answered. There are moments when I am full of angst that I just want to scream to let it go but there are also instances that I just can’t help but smile because of the little surprises that happen to pass my way. Overall, I am just looking forward to better days.

Okay, enough about me.

One weekend, my friends and I decided to escape the hustle and bustle of the city and head up North. We went to Baler, Aurora. It was a 6-hour drive from Manila and although a pretty long drive, it was worth it. Baler is known as a surfing destination like Zambales and Siargao. It is the provincial capital of Aurora and is around 230 kilometers from Manila. The moment you go to the coast, you’ll see Baler Bay which is connected to the Philippine Sea. A perfect getaway, if you ask me.

We stayed at the humble home of Anton Domingo’s grandmother. Sitting at the foot of the mountain, we felt right at home during our short stay. Just a few steps away, a mangrove forest can be found and it was my first time to be near one. As we went through the mangroves, we climbed up a stone wall and once on top, the view was just breathtaking. Crashing waves on the horizon and when you look back, you’ll see the mangrove forest and mountains full of trees. Those sights just left me at awe. For the rest of our stay, we went to beach when we could and I tried my athletic skills (or what’s left of it) in surfing. It wasn’t difficult to ride the board and paddle my little heart out. The real test was standing up once I was riding the wave. Man, it was tough! After so many attempts, I did not succeed in doing so but I did have a lot of fun body boarding. Haha! But hey, at least I could say I tried right? It is also addicting. I got the “rush” while riding the waves and it was an awesome feeling. I am hoping for more surfing trips and to finally stand up on that board.

During our trip, we never ran out of food (and of course, alcohol)! The food just kept on coming in and let me tell you, it was just really good. From the cooking of Anton’s grandmother to his uncle, we were always full after every meal. I think if I stayed there a few days more, I would’ve gained a lot of weight!

Lastly, one thing I loved about the trip is the people I was with. We were just 6 and there was no dull moment with these people. The moment we rode the car going to Baler until we said our goodbyes back in Manila, it was just plain fun. We all needed this escape from reality. I needed this trip to clear my head. In 3 days, I did not think about the drama I have to face and the problems I have to deal with.

The trip was all about having fun with my friends and that happened. The trip made me appreciate Mother Nature more and showed me how much we have to take care of it. The trip emphasized how much I love being in this country and how much I disapprove of moving back to Canada. This trip showed me how much I appreciate my friends and more so, how much we’ve grown.

Thank you so much to Anton Domingo and to his family!

It was a weekend well-spent.

Zero Visibility

I’ve always believed in fate. Every single thing in this world has its own timing. One thing I learned in Philosophy that God, whoever you believe God is, sets things to its perfect timing. Inside time or outside, planned or not, it will happen when its bound to happen. There are events in my life that led me to where I am right now and I wished for a number of things to happen but haven’t happened, well at least, not yet.

When you want something so badly, most of the time, it doesn’t happen when you want it to happen thus patience comes in.

We all wish for that certain someone who will, let’s say, sweep us off our feet and I am one of those people. I’ve had my fair share of heartbreak and yes, it’s not the state I prefer to be in. In fact, I’ve put up this wall around me so high that its really hard to break just for me not to be in that rollercoaster ride of emotions. For the longest time I’ve been patient but damn, it can get pretty tiring.

On my way home tonight, it just hit me. I started to question a lot of things. What’s wrong with me? Will that right time ever come? Will I ever be truly happy? Those are the questions that brought me to tears. You might say that I’m so emo and shit but admit it, there is that one point in our lives that those questions pop into our heads. I didn’t get an answer to any of those questions and maybe that’s why I’m writing this entry. I honestly don’t think I will ever get an answer but here’s one thing I am sure of, I’ve reached the point that aside from asking questions and not just about my Prince Charming, I am starting to doubt where I am headed and what I actually plan to do with my life. Is it too early for a quarter life crisis? I’m 21 years old and my future right now is like driving on a really rainy day — zero visibility.

 

 

 

Girl In A New City

The last time I was away from home for 3 months was during my semester abroad. Those months were spent with new friends and basically taking a break from the hectic life of beng a student in Ateneo.

I’ve been living in Vancouver for the same span of time but it was a totally new experience. I went here to start a new life. Not that my life back in Manila was not happy or complete, it was, in fact, the complete opposite. I love my life in Manila where my family and friends are. My decision to live here in Vancouver was based on the idea that I can a start a career. Even before we left, I started to apply for jobs with high hopes that I will bag a position that I want. The more applications I sent, my expectations were slowly being crushed. I gave up on my dreams for working in an ad agency, a PR firm or in a marketing department. The reality of living in a new city hit me. Thing is, even if I graduated from a prestigious university in Manila, my degree is not recognized here. Having no work experience was a downside either.  Sure, I was active in an organization in college, had leadership experiences and similar things like that but I can’t really say that I had a job that paid me regardless if it was part time. That was my biggest setback. So I swallowed my pride and applied for retail. Given that I am a graduate from Ateneo, one of the best in the Philippines, I expected for a job I studied for but I am in a different country with different culture and mindset so I did what I had to do. I got a job at Guess? Jeans as a sales associate and I was pretty lucky because i got hired immediately. Finally, I have a job!

Being a sales associate isn’t easy as you may think. You must bring your A-game every single time. Its not just about being in the store, fixing clothes and helping you in trying them on. Selling is not easy, trying to reach the target is sometimes impossible to happen while maintaining certain personal sales statistics and being in the store for the whole day almost every day isn’t that exciting as well. Oh, did I mention that we get paid not far from the minimum wage? On the other hand, the employee discount is something I tried not to abuse because I admit that Guess? have a lot of nice pieces. Back in Manila, people just don’t mind sales associates and often times, not treat them nicely. After this experience, I made a promise to myself to be nicer to them no matter what. They are just doing their jobs after all and a little consideration goes a long way. Now, my experience in this job on full detail requires another different entry. I learned to like that job and I met really nice people too. One more thing, it made me realize that I am not a good salesperson.

One of the reasons that I want to stay here is because I want to escape the drama in my life. I don’t often talk about it because I, myself, is already sick and tired of it and talking about it just annoys me. I think I am at the point where negative energy just pulls me down. I made it affect my life so much that my past decisions were made just to make everyone happy and I just settled. Me staying here was somewhat a protest, an act of rebellion to show that I want to be free from everything that is holding me back. I need those voices to get out of my head and think on my own. I think it reached a point that I just wanted to get out of everything and that’s exactly what I did.

I wasn’t used to the stillness and simplicity of the life here. It is pretty much the opposite of my life in Manila. In other words, I am just chilling. The neighborhood that I live in is like what you see in TV shows. The people at the local supermarket know the residents, the restaurants have their regular customers and the parish priest is updated with the lives of his parishioners. It is pretty much your typical suburban neighborhood. Also, the nicest people in the world would have to be the residents of Vancouver. Its like the people here do not have bad days and even if they do, they’re still smiling. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration but I have never felt so safe to walk in the streets and take public transportation.

In a few days, I will be flying back home, back to the place I love ever since. I honestly have mixed feelings. I was supposed to go home on September but decided to make it earlier because homesickness is sucking the life out of me that I just have to go home. I cannot wait to be with my siblings again. A house is just too dull and quiet without them. I am excited to see my friends who are just the best in enduring my rants and outbursts of sadness. Basically, those are the two main reasons why I’m going home. I am not looking forward, however, in being unemployed (again). By this time, good companies have already filled the positions that were once vacant when I left and the positions that happen to be available are the ones I’m not interested in or I’m not qualified for. So my job hunt will be a grueling one and boy, am I looking forward to it. Lastly, I am not looking forward to this trip back home because of the same reason I left – drama. For 3 months, I was trying to avoid it but I certainly cannot escape it.

I am going back to Vancouver next year and this time, it will be with the whole family and my thoughts on this will be jotted down on another post.  I wrote this entry to let my thoughts out. For days, I’ve been keeping this all to myself because I honestly want to spare my friends or else I would sound like a broken record to them which can annoy them in the end. Also, I want you guys to take a look at the life of a new immigrant. Technically, I am one and I am officially a resident of this country, the land of bacon and maple. It is not at all glamorous as most Filipinos might think. Not because we earn in a different currency doesn’t mean we are well-off than most of you, often times what we earn isn’t enough to last until the next paycheck. It is a constant battle with loneliness and depression and hard work and sacrifice are the best weapons to fight with because without those, we will end up in the streets.

I am the new girl in the big city, the city that I have yet to learn how to love for my heart is still in Manila, the place I call home and it will always be.